demoralized, dejected, depressed

Note: The below few lines would be very depressing, and full on nonsense rants. If you are here to read something nice, humorous and happy, please move on to my other posts. I had to write it.

Felling totally demoralized, dejected, depressed today after long. All the things that I have planned for myself have gone wrong. Yes, I admit there were surprises too,  I definitely cherish them, but what about all the things that I wanted? No I am not cribbing or being too demanding from life, but at least 1 out of 10 could come true? Is it too much of a wish?

Life had never been as uncertain as now…6 years back..or even 3 years back. I am feeling as if I am wandering aimlessly in a dark room trying to find  the door. The door of my salvation. I am missing the guiding light, the mentor. No I do not believe in God anymore. I have lost the faith in Religion. What is it? A couple of rituals to fool people? Who is God? I believed in the Gods that my parents followed, my religion by birth, imitated my mother in all the rituals then finally realized that everything that is happening around me is just mere co-incidence that is destined by fate.

Whenever I close my eyes, trying to find peace, I see complete darkness. I often see a dream, that I am walking through a cemetery full of white tombs and wake up in the middle of the night.

Is it the absence of love that has caused it? I guess not. I am pretty much sure of it. I don’t miss my lost love. I think I want a mentor, not a lover. A guiding light, not a romantic illusion.

Yes I am waiting, but the uncertainty is making me restless and at times I feel lost.

Suddenly life seems too long to live..