TRY BEFORE YOU BUY

I have had a self realization lately.

Finding a life partner from one of those matrimonial sites is so similar to buying clothes and shoes online. You can instantly fall in love with the latest animal print top displayed in the first page (who says love can’t be at the first sight), sincerely wish that you could at least try it out…see the top displayed from all the different angles available (for days sometimes ) ..zoom it at times to check out the details…imagine yourself wearing the same top…..check out if its available of your size….log off…dream that you are wearing it…come back the next day to see if your size is still in stock…zoom again…and after this procedure is repeated for days…and you have finally decided to buy it..you find it out of stock!!  

Oh poor you!! Atleast you can add it to your wishlist. The matrimonial sites donot have a “add to your wishlist” option though. I wonder what would it be like. :D :D

And sometimes you really don’t find anything worth a second look you kind of pity the stocks that are available..

But then at last if you are lucky and you are pretty confident that you made the right choice....and proceed to  pay.. before clicking the “pay” button you usually take a deep breath because you are not sure of what will arrive at your doorstep in spite of the hours or days spend in admiring the thing.

Atleast  they have the 30days money back warranty.. :P :P

I have never got bored looking for clothes and shoes online…. But after spending about a year now looking for …err…ahem…men……yawwwnnnn!!

Confessions of a Facebookaholic

Facebook is the last thing I check before closing my eyes for a sound sleep... (the second last being Gmail ) and the first thing after I open my eyes. Sometimes I even find the Facebook app in my mobile open when I get up. I know you are not very surprised. I am very confident 90% of people reading this will have the same story to tell.

This e-existence of mine was simply unthinkable 7years before but for now it is most of me. Where on earth do you think you can get updated with the places your people around you have gone to honeymoon..or what jewelery people have worn in their weddings or where did the person you last met in school is going for a holiday…right from a boring meeting in office??..Or the inside scoop of a controversial engagement…the first look of your best friend’s car…or the dinner your neighbor prepared.. while travelling in a bus! Stalk the person you secretly have a crush upon…like every silly update posted by him/her.. I do it all. Right from the current affairs to Indian politics..to the presidential elections in US..to jokes…to quotes.. to whether Shiela is hotter than Munni… to the random shares of divine deities you get it all in the single tap of your smartphone. Isn’t it awesome?

Managing the Facebook profile updates can also be nerve cracking at times. As you all have realized by now likes and comments are your only popularity meter… :P  I sometimes even like my own random posts.. its nothing but an utter display of self confidence (few are smart enough to understand the underlying sarcasm). Once I even went to the extent of calling one friend of mine asking him to like a silly post of mine to save my post from just 1 like which was mine. Now you guess how nerve cracking it can be… phew!! Oh yes…profile pictures.. I change them occasionally just when I think I have stopped getting the required likes and comments.. :P Its like my monthly visit to the hair dresser. Its always smart to be prepared for people stalking my profile. And if you think any of your favorite picture has not got the enough popularity as it deserved…fear not! You can always recycle your old profile pics to the current one to alert people to like them in case they haven’t. :D :D

Whenever I visit to party/wedding/picnics, I often hear people around me saying things like: “wow this picture is so nice…it would put it up as my profile picture”…

I also have helped innumerable charitable causes by sharing random posts of sick babies (never ever bothered to find out if the share was genuine)…have slammed rapists…raised my voice for a cause…liked a photo-shopped picture of a God and get disappointed as nothing happened in the next ten minutes as was promised. Yes you get it right, all on Facebook!

The instant sight of the red notifications on the top right corner instantly uplifts my mood for a second and sometimes continues just like talking a guilt-free bite into dark chocolate. Hence my love for Facebook continues and if you ever hear people talking about calling me Facebook-addict or about me paying too much attention to the online page and drifting away from the grounded reality…just remember…being popular is not that easy…..hufff!!!

PS: I even had to add the word “Facebook” to the disctionary of MS-WORD to ease myself writing this blog post.

What's In a Name (Bloopers- Part II)

Note: I had no choice but quoting the actual names of the characters in this post.

Sh*t happens when you are chatting in multiple windows at the same time :P :P

Though I always disagree, many people designate me as a chat-buff, chat-addict and what not..

What?? Is it not obvious in this age of social networking?

Well, let me introduce two friends of mine - Sudipta das(Male) and Sudipta Chakraborty (Female). Its Funny, how the naming conventions goes for the people of Bengal, where the same spelling of the name can have different pronunciation and can be applicable for both the genders. I call them unisex names.  :P :P

In this case here the Sudipta(M) is pronounced as Sudipto and not Sudipta..

If its hell confusing for the non-bongs, sorry guys….its equally confusing for bongs as well.

The marriage season being in its full swing, I am receiving the engagement news of every other friend of mine. On  one “busy” afternoon I received a ping in my Gmail account from Sudipta. As I was “busy”, I skipped noticing the surname of the person and I automatically assumed it to be Sudipta Das(M).

Sudipta:  hi

Me:  Hey!! Long time..

Sudipta:  yeah..hw r u??

Me: fine..hw r u?

Sudipta: good…gotta news to share

Me: yes yes!!

Sudipta: m getting married..

Me: wow!! Congrats!!

Sudipta: Thanks. The wedding is on Jan..

Me: with whom?? :P :P whats the name??

Sudipta: Sabyasachi

Me:  (confused) what!! Isn’t that a guy’s name?

Sudipta: yes…of course..

Me: what!!! U r marrying a man???

Sudipta: yeah….its a love marriage and my parents have finally agreed!!

Me: what!!(almost fainting)

Sudipta: why do you seem to surprised..these things are so common nowadays..

Me: yes I know…its legal now…but I can’t believe its you!!
Sudipta: (confused and irritated now) what are you talking about?? :-/ X-(

Me: You found no suitable girl to fall in love?? x-(

Sudipta: what bullsh*t!! !!@#$$%%%  !@@##^^&&** !@@!@@## !@# (Censored )

Sudipta Chakraborty is Offline.

What!!! Chakraborty!!! That’s when I sensed there is some mistake and re-read the chat twice… and then noticed the blunder that I made. :D :D
(I had obviously called her up later and apologized.)

Note for Google employees:  It would be highly beneficial if you make the provision of mentioning the gender too in the chat windows.. :-/

Realization : “What’s in a Name??” whoever the hell has said that wasn’t introduced to the modern era of chatting..

LOVE KE LIYE KUCH BHI KAREGA

Bhaag bhaag DK bose, DK bose, D K bose, bhaag bhaag DK "Bose DK" bhaag… was being played in full volume and I was slogging in the treadmill when the men visibly let out groans and grunts while weight training and the girls in the gym chorused aloud. “Hi Karan! After so long??” The girl in the adjacent cross trainer hushed to someone “Isn’t he cute??”.

I dared not to look around. Ughhh…why do they have mirrors all around this gym and not in front of these treadmills?

After around 5 minutes I got down and looked around, I saw no one new except a pot-bellied sad looking uncle. Karan? I thought panting. Nah. Can’t be.

I continued to exercise with the curiosity fading away from my mind by the shouts of Mr. Muscle, the trainer, “Faster….Faster….”

Grrrrr…..I will kill him the next time he says that!!

Suddenly out of nowhere a kid, smiled and jumped on the exer-cycle beside me. I smiled back. He was about my height, slim and looked a total misfit among the adults around.

“Hi, I am Karan…”

What!!

He nearly was about 11-12 years of age(though I am pretty bad at guessing people’s age), flawless wheatish complexion, a dimpled smile and naughty eyes like most of the kids of his age. The women were right. He was cute, but wasn’t it too early for him to join a gym?

“New ??”  He interrupted my thoughts. I nodded and answered running out of breath..

He seemed to be popular among the ladies, passing Hellos to most of the women passing by.

“Which class??12??”

What!! Is he talking to me?? I embarrassingly replied “No”. L

“11???”

My jaws dropped!! “No.. I have completed my studies”, I said finding hard to find a suitable reply.

“Ohh”, he empathically replied as if I was pulled out of school for failing three consecutive years..

“Which class??”, now I asked unable to hide my curiosity.

“7…”

“What??”

“Yeah”, he answered catching the hint. “I want to increase my height”.

 “Hey you two...stop talking and paddle faster”, shouted the M.

Just wait for me to get down and you are dead Mr Muscle…Grrrr…

“Haaan, my girlfriend dumped me.”

“Ainnn??”

“Yes, she is taller than me now”

What!!

 Before I could say something, Mr Muscle came over and herded me away to the yoga room and Karan to the hanging bars.

Love ke liye sala kuch bhi karega, I mused as the music played aloud.. :D :D

BLOOPERS – Part I

I felt my cheeks turning beet red with the feeling of pure idiocy.

Well, I don’t know how often it happens with you guys, but it happens with me most of the times and the instant reaction that comes to my mind is, “Please Lord…make me invisible or Let the earth open up and swallow me right now!!!”

I was on my way home in the usual 6:30pm office bus when it happened. It was too late when I realized that I had done it again. :-( :-(

It was Friday and I was in a very happy mood. I don’t know why but suddenly I felt like singing “Aj main upar….asmaan niche…” . No I had not got a promotion or an onsite and the salary hike had also been meager. No prizes for wild guesses…..No didn’t fall for cupid’s victim this time :P …But whatever be the reason, I was very happy.

I had even managed to beat my competitor in the race of occupying my favorite seat in the bus. I felt a strange satisfaction seeing his disappointed face when he saw me peeping through the window triumphantly. Ahh, what a way to end such a beautiful day! I mused.

 I don’t know anything about him apart from the fact that we both work in the same organization, avail the same bus back home and share the same affinity towards a particular seat the bus. Anyways, let me not get carried away by the emos..

The bus started and I happily plugged in my earphones and got swayed away by the music being played.

I started humming slowly. I must say that I have a pretty good collection of songs to suit my mood swings every now and then.

Those who know me know very well that I am a typical bathroom singer and I hate to sing public. Fortunately or unfortunately I had been always the chosen one to sing in all kind of occasions like republic day, independence day, teachers day and all those innumerable days since childhood. Not one such performance had ended without me turning beet-red after that . And with all those Indian Idol and SAREGAMAPA seasons being telecasted recently the hidden singer in me gets charged up..

So I continue to hum. One song after the another, feeling the lyrics, the tune, the soul of the songs, praising the lyricist and the music director even the actors who have lip sung!

I see the conductor of the bus turning back at times, maybe he is concerned about the people getting down. A sincere one, eh.. But I continue to hum, lip-sing with the earphones ON.

The bus gets stuck in the usual traffic jam . Ughh…. how I hate these moments. Suddenly I feel a cold shudder and I look around. 

Oppsss!!! I see all the eyes in the bus is staring at me! Is everybody smiling! I quickly pass a stern glance at my friend sitting nearby. He almost chockes himself with laughter!

Was I audible? I texted him. Even to the person in the last seat! He texted back. What!!! I passed a nasty look at him again for not warning me. Now I can even see people peeping from their seats to see the person who had stopped singing!


Shit man!! I realized that it had been more than half an hour since the bus started. Oh no!! Even my seat-competitor is smiling at me now. Grrrrrr..

“Please Lord…why me all the time??? Now make me invisible or Let the earth open up and swallow me right now!!!”

Shadi.com

Note: The below blog is purely written in light humor. No offense is intended to anyone. And in case some of you get alarmed reading it, please understand that some portions have been tweaked or exaggerated to suit the theme. But otherwise, I’ve tried to stay loyal to the original plot.

It all started when most of my friends got married one after the other. It was enough to set the alarm bells ringing for my parents and a steep rise in their B.P. and blood sugar levels was noticed.  I had even started lying to my mother about my friend’s marital status and ending up missing their much awaited marriage invitations in return.

After being pestered a lot by my mom to create a profile in the matrimonial sites for many days I gave in. Not because I wanted to see my mother happy but I had nothing else to do one US support night where there was not much of work to do and I had to stay awake till 6AM in the morning! Yawwwnn..

None of my friends were online and I was bored listening to music and refreshing the SYSAID to check for new tickets. Yes, there was one more reason, the vital one indeed. I wanted to get married. I am tired of paying for all my expenses myself. What? It was a joke!! Have you guys lost it?!!:D :D

OK..thats how it started..and it was enough to keep me awake for the next few days!!

After creating my profile, I saved my search criteria as well…and Lo! 5457 matches! WTF(wow that’s fantastic J)!!..it cant be serious! No wonder the female ratio in India was lower than that of male…The feminist in me sighed...

I started scanning the profiles..good looking..not so much…pathetic…cute..so-so.…with mustache…dimpled…geeky....NRIs…self employeds..loads-of-degrees…preferred matches…mutual matches….Ugh!!

I scrolled down the list scanning the profiles and then scrolled up. Oh…hmm…Cute...was my first thoughts when I re-checked a profile highlighted in green by the site. A preferred match. I don’t know what the logic behind it is but I want to really thank the person who has written this code. :D Oh!The horoscopes match 74%! Thank you so much Lord!  :P Haan Haan…I know…I don’t believe in them…c’mon there can be exceptions too.. :D :P.

Ok..so my first ever  conversation starts..with Mr. PM(Preferred Match). After an initial hi-hello he asked, “After going through my profile, do you have any questions “?

Yes! Will you marry me? I wanted to reply but controlled myself. :D :D

“ What are your expectations from a guy?”

”Oh yes..he should be…err..well”..

Damn, I should have done some preparations at least. I quickly scanned through his profile again for help!

Well , though eventually things didn’t work out with Mr PM , yet I managed to gain a lot of useful tips and tricks of Dos and Don’ts in matrimonial. *Sob sob* (Did anyone say it’s hard to forget your first.… :P)

Next someone asked me, ”I shall ask you a question and if you don’t feel like answering you can say PASS and then vice-versa”. What!!!

Or like. “Who do you think is the role model in your life and why?” Is someone considering himself as  some beauty pageant judge? :P :P

Ok...So moving on...My cell phone continues to beep with the members interested in my profile. And here are some hilarious profiles which really drove me into fits of laughter..

Profile#1(partner preference):

She should be well educated and also career oriented professional i.e. homely and yet outgoing and at the same time a good friend and also a good wife. She should have no greed for money and should love me and me.

No greed for money ..eh?? whose money?? :D :D

Profile #2:

If baldness is not a problem for you, then I can certify that I am quite a nice person :)

A bald saint..what say?? :P

Profile #3(about himself):

To marriage with Mr XYZl!!!. is a Software developer(Java/ J2EE) and a Software Development and software products and other Business-man!!!Annual profits u may not imagine also!!! If u have any idea about a software company and shopping site do profit in year then u may imagine about profit. And I am not willing to fully disclose it here now, u will be knowing it on our direct discussion time.

Ahaa!! I guess there are no income tax officers around.. :D :D

Profile #4(about himself):

 I am really a very good human being, kind heart person what u cannot find out on others (I am having some special characteristics I think).

Hee..Hee….might be he turns into monkey man at night!! Or Were-Wolf!! Or Vampires!!Gosh!!

Profile#5(partner preference):

 I required a wife whose heart is having already stored full of love for her life-partner and waiting to give her life partner. And after marriage with me , she will give her heart(s) full love to me and will bind me by much more love forever.

Yeeeshhhh…oshlill… :D :D

Yes and the journey still continues. I just pray it doesn’t turn out to be a frustrating one and I meet my “potential suitor” soon. Wish me luck guys!